In yesterday’s video, I shared how I allowed my codependency to drag me down to the point of mental, emotional, and physical exhaustion. It was obvious my life wasn’t working and that I needed to make changes, but I didn’t...
Why do we do that?
When we know something isn’t working… when we’re miserable in a dead-end or unfulfilling job… or carrying around extra weight… or suffering the constant pain of a toxic relationship… Why don’t we make changes?
There are lots of factors that come into play, but through my own personal experiences, as well as in talking with others, I’ve noticed there seems to be several predominant reasons we don’t make changes.
As I go through this list, think about your situation and see if any of these resonate with you...
1. We don’t realize we have the power to change our situation.
2. Fear of the unknown keeps us stuck.
3. We prefer to keep our head buried in the sand and ignore an uncomfortable or painful situation rather than face it head on.
4. Sometimes we prefer the slow burning or simmering pain of staying in a toxic relationship, rather than experience the acute pain of ending it. Like ripping off a Band-aid.
5. Sometimes WE don’t change because we’re waiting for someone or something else to change, and we think if they change then our situation will magically be resolved.
This is especially true for those of us who love an addict.
We think if they get clean, then everything will be okay. That’s usually not the case.
Remember the flu analogy? Everyone involved with the addict becomes ill to some degree, and the relationships rarely… RARELY… if ever go back to the way they were before addiction entered the dynamics.
So even if the alcoholic or addict moves from addiction into recovery, there are still things that you probably need to work on and change, as well.
The other part of that is… waiting for someone else to change so you can be happy is the behavior of someone stuck in “victim mode.”
I say that with love, and compassion and understanding because I’ve been there myself. I did it for years with my sons. I thought if they would just get clean, then my life could go back to normal.
That’s a horrible way to live! In fact, I’m going to go so far as to say that, eventually, you get to the point of not living, but simply existing.
If you’re waiting for someone else to change so you can be happy, you have zero control over your quality of life.
6. This one might cause some resistance to bubble up. that’s okay… try to remain objective and, if you have to, think about how this might apply to a friend and a situation they need to change.
In every situation, no matter how awful it is… we get some kind of benefit or payoff for staying in that situation.
Often, that payoff comes in the form of attention or sympathy. It’s nice to have friends and family who know you’re having a hard time call to check and see how you’re doing… right?
I think this reason for not changing is subconscious. I don’t think any of us consciously says, “I’m gonna stay stuck here in the pits so I can get some sympathy.” And there’s nothing wrong with wanting people to care about you!
But there are healthier ways to invoke interaction with your friends and family. And when you start thriving and are in a better place, then you get to experience the pleasure of being the friend that calls and checks on someone else who needs support and encouragement.
Take the rest of the day and think about the situations in your life that you’d like to change… identify what’s keeping you stuck… why haven’t you changed “it”... whatever IT is… and tomorrow, we’ll move onto the next step in having the Courage To Change.
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Please remember… you matter and you deserve to be happy!
Alannah
If you missed yesterday's video, you can find it 👇
Courage To Change Day 1: My Codependency Nearly Killed Me
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